So after devouring all four books in Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight series two summers ago and having quite the Edward Cullen-obsessed weekend this time last year, I figured “New Moon” would produce plenty more for me to gawk and cry and pant over this year. Yeah, and I was totally right. Because though I still pledge my loyalty to Edward for all his awkward, well-meaning devotion to Bella, Jacob Black? Dude stepped up to the plate. And became really, really ridiculously good looking.
No one needs a summary of the film, so I’ll skip all that nonsense and get to the good stuff: “New Moon” was well acted, gorgeous to watch and, most importantly, way more entertaining than the actual novel! Of all the book in the series, New Moon was the most painful for me to get through . . . maybe because I’ve had my heart broken, too, but probably more because it was droning and long. I felt your pain, Bella, for reals, but at some point you have to pick yourself up, stop diving off cliffs and just get on with your life.
But the Bella in this “New Moon”? Sassier. Still codependent and clearly unhealthily obsessed with Edward, for sure, but just . . . better. Kristen Stewart didn’t irk my last nerve nearly the way she did in “Twilight,” when I’d just about wanted to pop out of my seat in the theater and punch her rapidly blinking, constantly stuttering face.
I was sincerely worried that the lack of Edward in the movie would leave me bored to tears, because that’s just about what happened while reading the book. Every few pages or so, I’d start skimming frantically ahead to see when our undead lover boy was going to emerge on the scene — or if he was going to come back. Because as much as Bella loved and missed him, desperately wanted to see him? I was just as anxious — and couldn’t take much more of her misery or toying with Jake’s emotions.
My sister, Mom and I went to the 9:45 a.m. showing at our local theater — a time I thought (very, very naively) would be deserted. I mean, who goes to the movies before 10 a.m. on a weekend? Why do they even have movies before 10 a.m. on a weekend? Well, we showed up twenty minutes before the film started and still scrambled to find seats. Make a note on your mental scorecard ’cause it doesn’t happen often, but I was wrong.
Plenty of husbands, fathers and boyfriends were around, and let me say this: are you ladies feeling all right? The very last place I would want my significant other to hang out with me is at movie where Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner remain shirtless for extended periods of time! Grown women in our theater gasped when Taylor first stripped off his T-shirt. Adult women. And how am I supposed to enjoy all the delicious eye candy while holding some other guy’s hand, his eyes analyzing mine to see if I’m really buying into all this romantic stuff (hint: I am)? Dude, you’re no Edward. Just go home and watch a football game or something. I don’t need your constant sarcastic comments in my ear, totally ruining my serious reverie and reminding me that the likelihood I’ll meet someone as kind, perfect, intelligent and devoted to me as one of these fictional characters is, um, zero.
(Rants like this might be why I’m single, I should note. Or maybe it’s just because the tools I’ve dated in the past just don’t know a good thing when they hear her talking about Twilight. Hard to say, hard to say . . . Wait, it’s the latter.)
So all in all, “New Moon” was an epic win in my book! Plenty of action, suspense, romantic tension, family dynamics, cool scenery, bad guys (and girls), scenes in the Italian countryside . . . fantastic. My only gripe? The whole experience has left me with a serious tender spot for one Jacob Black, a character I’d never really paid any mind in the past. I’m still on Team Edward, but I can’t promise my alliance won’t shift if more images like the one above keep infiltrating my computer. And, you know, Jacob’s not all brooding and stalkery — unlike my boy Edward. Though I’ll keep running with the vampires . . . for now.