I wrote an entire post for today, grappling with some of The Big Questions I’ve had on my mind lately. It was scheduled to post this morning. That post was very cathartic, cobbling together my thoughts on life and death. Everything shifted into focus once I’d typed it out.
But then I did something strange, something I rarely do: I made it private. I changed it to “draft” and let it burrow quietly into my blog dashboard, to be seen — and remembered — by me alone. I usually have no difficulty bearing my soul . . . and, to be frank, I sort of enjoy it. Writing is the way I typically come to terms with what I’m experiencing. Writing about everything that has happened of late was a huge relief to me, especially as I’ve stopped writing in a journal.
The relief was in the writing, though. Not in the posting. Not in the validating. I didn’t want anyone to feel sorry for me, and I’m not seeking praise or comfort. I didn’t want to bring a total downer of a post into the world.
I simply wanted to record what I was thinking and make sense of it by stringing together sentences — just as I always do. And though I’m pleased with how I expressed my foggy thoughts, I’m remembering a resolution I’ve made to myself: to keep some things to myself. Some things for me. For my family and friends. For my boyfriend. Not to bear my soul repeatedly in every a newspaper column or blog post.
I’m being obtuse, I know — and I’m sorry. I’ve felt so strange and out of sorts lately. I’ve barely been reading, have been focusing just on work — but I know that time will march forward now, taking us with it. That everything will be all right.
Blue skies will be here again.
10 thoughts on “Blue skies”
Look at that sky! I hope the funk lifts soon. I love what you say here. There are words we need to put out into the world and others we need to keep for ourselves. Understanding what belongs where is important.
Thanks, Melissa — I’m glad to be learning where my own boundaries are, even if it feels strange to say, “I was going to tell you something — but now I’m not.” It’s like telling someone you have a secret without revealing the secret! But it made me feel better just admitting this alone.
I think probably I am a little like you…I am an open book. I am quick to bare my soul to people, if only to make them feel better about whatever. On the blog, though? Not always. I always worry that people don’t really want to hear it, or that for the people that only know me virtually, they will think of me as a weirdo. I am sure your post was thoughtful and would probably find many people in the same boat, but respect your decision to let it brew. Hope you find some peace with it all.
Thank you, Sandy — I appreciate it. It’s good to learn how comfortable we are sharing the personal details of life . . . and I love sharing those things. But sometimes worry I’m going too far — especially if other people are involved.
I can really understand where you were coming from. Whenever I’m facing a particularly difficult time in life, writing is my outlet. Just the very act of putting words to paper (or screen) can be so helpful and cathartic.
I think we have to keep some things to ourselves. It’s so easy to share every little part of our day that we don’t always realize it. I have a folder filled with Word documents, all blog posts or journal entries I wrote but never published online. They’re for me.
I hope writing that post was what you wanted and needed it to be.
Meg I do the same thing, but I write them in my phone. I use my calendar on my phone and have it synched with my work calendar. I keep track of blog posts, books I’m reading, To-Do lists, meetings, work schedule….you name it. But I also use the calendar to jot down some thoughts. The week my uncle got sick and passed away, I named an entry “Journal” every evening and just wrote down how I felt. Although we had family there to chat with, I just wanted to write…or tap the keys. I like being able to use my phone for it because I can do it anywhere, when the feeling hits and have it whenever I want to reflect.
I do this sometimes too. I may not save it in draft (I delete it instead) but sometimes that first version I get out there on a post is much more negative and cathartic then the often peppy version that i end up posting. It’s totally understandable and so good to do!
I saw your tweets yesterday and have been thinking about you ever since. I hope all is well and you’re feeling like your old self soon.
Beautiful sky! Sometimes it helps to just write, even if it’s only for ourselves. I hope things start to look up soon 🙂
It is good to keep some things for ourselves. I strongly believe some things are meant to be shared with everyone, some with only a few selected people, and some to be kept for ourselves. The difficulty is in finding the limits, and it’s good that you’re able to do that. Whatever is troubling you, I really hope you feel better soon. I send you lots of virtual hugs and will keep you in my thoughts 🙂
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